Now, as a former AP Psych kid, I can tell you, I love a good Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It set the standard for how people should, theoretically take care of themselves. It made something so subjective completely objective but making it in a pyramid- you had to meet all the criteria in one step to the next step. It gave me a check list to build my mental health from, with very clear, and irrefutable criteria. I had to meet all the needs on one level before I could move up to bigger and better things.
The first few tiers were incredibly easy- I lived in a middle class American home, in Boise, Idaho. I have never needed nor wanted for food, water, warmth, rest, safety, or security. Those were givens, and in my book, that meant I was doing pretty well for myself. Next came the tier of belonging and love needs, and this where things got tricky for me. I was supposed to find loving and fulfilling relationships and friendships. Well, I did, and I had many people change me since I had reached adolescence, but there was one thing holding me back from saying that I had completed this tier in the way that Maslow intended.
The thing I always found unfulfilling about relationships was the fact that they were temporary. People always came and went as they pleased, and as much as they promised me they would stay, they never truly did. People liked me, when terms and conditions were applied. I think the thing that hurt the most was the fact that when I got comfortable, really comfortable, and asked about birthdays, memories, favorite colors, favorite Beatles, and favorite dreams, and I told them about mine, it seemed like that was the moment they chose to leave. When I told people about my trauma- the hospital and the heartbreaks- I was suddenly too much. I was too much when I told people I had an anxiety disorder, and I became overbearing when someone found out I was depressed.
Myself, in my truest form, when I would dress as I pleased, and walk as I wanted, was always too much for people to commit to. So, I began to commit to myself. However, committing to myself allowed me to justify not committing to friendships and love. If I was already prepped for heartbreak, then what was the point in avoiding it? If I could break my own heart first, it meant no one else could. I shut people out, or avoided letting them in, because it was easier than trying to scrub the residue of loss from my ceramic edges.
There were and are those who love me, and I love them so much in return. The human brain does like to focus on the negative though. I think of all the people who told me forever but meant next week or next month. I think of people who loved the idea they had instead of who I was. I think of who couldn’t love me, and even though I know it wasn’t my fault, it does sting. My fingers still trace the scars, and I remember how each section healed. Slowly, then all at once.
Where I was lacking in love, I made up for in shiny, shiny trophies. I was doing everything with all the time I had to try and not get too attached to all the people I thought were cool and exciting. I was in college and high school at the same time, and I even started my first on campus classes a week after I turned 16. I ended senior year with 48 college credits, putting me at almost the full 60 for an associate’s degree. I had been to California as a part of an aerospace physics course. I had been awarded the honor of the highest acting award possible in the department. I had gone to state drama awards, won poetry slams, gotten good grades, was on the news multiple times, and was a member of the school’s suicide prevention committee. I had been an LBA member and been given a scholarship from it. I had spoken to the Idaho legislature about the reality of teen suicide. Everything in the accomplishment range should have been perfect. I had done everything and was still trying to do even more.
But, that didn’t stop me from feeling badly about myself! Anytime someone did more or I thought they were better, I started hating myself for it. As if I wasn’t moving fast enough. It was so painful because I was genuinely happy for these people, my friends and peers. I was genuinely happy for them and the fact they were going up was so amazing to witness. But that watered the fear of mine that I wouldn’t be able to rise with them.
Lastly, we have the final tier. The one that makes me anxious to talk about. Self-actualization. Reaching your full potential. Making things, like art. I never understood why creativity was so high on this list. Honestly, even at the times I didn’t have much else going for me, the one thing I could do was create. I could write when I felt that gravity was being readjusted for inflation, I could sing when I though that the sun would keep setting till it fell out of the sky and pulled us with it. Even at my worst, I could make.
But, I don’t think I’m at my full potential. And I kind of don’t want to be. Full potential means doing all you can for as long as you can. It means people expect the best from you because you’re “full of potential”, so you should be able to do it all, and then some. Right? I’m worried to reach that full potential will mean that I will have to keep pushing and pushing. Not pushing because I want to, but pushing because that is what the people around me expect me to do.
This next idea is a little jarring but it will make sense; I think I know why my BTS bias is Suga. It’s because he was a kid, growing up in a bad part of Daegu, learning to rap when everyone told him he couldn’t. He wasn’t set up to move through Maslow’s ideas or through society in the way everyone wanted him to. He didn’t like school, and he didn’t want to end up working at something he hated. He wanted his self actualization to be freedom to do what he needed to feel whole. BTS focuses on the themes of self love and self actualization quite a bit, especially over recent albums. And I used to really repress my love of K-pop so yeah, I’m talking about it now. Over the most recent BTS albums, like Map of the Soul: 7, the ideas of the ego and shadow self are mentioned- learning to love yourself, even for all the things that are unloveable about you. I want to be loved so wholly that even the parts of me that are jagged find the inspiration to be smoothed. And I think that love may be something that I’ve been able to give to myself all along.
As I’ve become more invested in K-pop and more invested in the music producers behind the music I love, I’ve realised that I care so much about continuous improvement. Not find the potential, peaking, and then dropping off into obscurity. Continuing. Learning to love myself for where I am at, not where I think I should be by now. I think Maslow would give me a gold star for trying at the very least. I am learning to love and accept myself as a person so that I can get to that place where I do get to do, not only what I want, but I get to be able to do multiple things. I can make music and I can be an activist. I can talk about research and the importance of medicine while also writing novels. My creativity has always been the thing to make me love myself, so I think that Maslow should consider moving some things around for the sake of all the artists who make each and every day, but wouldn't be considered the most stable.
(Please note, Maslow is not alive, so he cannot move things around.)
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